LadyValkyrie37's Momaroo

34

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 02:15:00 GMT

Fuck, it's been a while since I've last posted. Where the hell do I start?

Well, it's my birthday today. I turn 34 today. Like I told my cousin Jerry... Yippy-Skippy... I'm another year older... in a way a little wiser than I was a year ago.

All in all, I had a pretty great birthday. Tom got me several movies that I've been wanting in my collection. You know the type... the kind you personally love to watch over and over again. For me that's the Indiana Jones and Lethal Weapon movies. He also got me some ammo for my gun so he and I can go shoot some paper people soon. Oh and I also got a couple more, what I like to call "Vegemons" to add to my collection. I'm a sucker for silly and quirky things and the "Homegrown" collection is right down my alley. I now have a collection of 33 I believe.

We went out to eat at Friendly's tonight. Tom and the kids kept telling the waitress that today was my birthday. I was getting so embarrassed and told them all to just shut up. By the end of our meal I hear the sound of a group of waiters and waitresses clapping their hands to sing me that silly little Happy Birthday song that all family resteraunts have. I was mortified. I'm sure my face turned 10 shades of red. There was a balloon man there ar Friendly's making balloon sculptures for the children who came into the restraunt. So to top the evening off the balloon guy made me a giant balloon flower. I was so embarrassed! The whole thing was so silly, but it made my kids laugh their asses off to see mom so flustered, so I guess it was worth it.

We picked TJ up from the "boot camp" early Saturday morning. We got up at 4am and headed out by 5am. I forget what time we actually got there... it was still very early. I was so very happy to see TJ. I gave him this big hug and didn't want to let him go. I've missed him so very much. I hope and pray that his time in the "boot camp" facility has taught him a lesson that he won't forget. I'm no fool, though. I know that for a while we are going to be in a "honeymoon" period with TJ. He's thrilled to be home, he's truely remorseful, he's truely wanting to make better choices... however, only time will tell if this is a change that will stick.

Right now he's out of meds (until tomorrow) and he's totally hard to comprehend at times. He's constantly talking, his thoughts are racing, he's having a very hard time focusing on anything, and he's having a hard time sleeping, I think right now he's in a manic state which is brought on by him finally being able to come home. He's going to see the psych doctor tomorrow and he'll be getting his meds then (Thank God!).

Tom and I are doing very well. He's been going into therapy with me lately. He seems to truely understand that his communications skills have been lacking. He seems to be trying (slowly) to bring down the walls that surround him, open up some, learn to trust me more, and therefore communicate his thoughts, feelings and opinions to me and the family in a productive way. On the flip side, I've come to realize that for so very long I've been forced to be the one in charge. I've been forced to be the one who fights for the family. I've been the one forced to count on no one but herself. On top of that I'm a control freak and hate to lose. All of this tends to make me one hell of an abrasive and opinionated bitch. I've wanted Tom to step up and be the man I know he is but when he tries I tend to firguratively slap him a good one especially if I don't agree with his tactics.

It's really hard to not be a bitch... it really is. It's hard for me to not just blurt out what's on my mind, no matter who it hurts, all because I feel hearing the truth is better than hearing a bunch of feel good lies. I've seriously got to learn how to communicate in a way that I can say what I mean and mean what I say without being so abrasive, preachy, and bitchy.

What can I say... I'm a work in progress.

He's Off To Boot Camp

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 19:18:56 GMT

We got to the courthouse early this morning and the court hearing started late. I didn't know if Samantha and Joshua needed to be with me seeing as they gave their statements to the police, so I brought them along anyway just in case. Tom was with us as well but he had to leave the courthouse and wait outside in the car before the hearing even started. He said something about not being able to stand everyone in there... whatever that meant... *shrugs* T.J. was happy to see all of us. He kept talking and talking to me and his siblings about what all has transpired at home since he's been gone. He was even leaning on me and hugging me... hugging me as best as he could in shackles. Once we got into court the judge read the list of charges to T.J. T.J. then plead guilty to all charges. The probabtion officer read their recommendation to the court as to what T.J.'s punishment should be (boot camp). T.J.'s public defender stated that T.J. would comply to the fullest extent with the punishment set forth by the court. The judge asked me if I had anything to say on behalf of my son. I did. I said, Terry has payed lip service to many different treatments and programs such as the Philhaven inpatient and outpatient programs. He does and says just enough to get him through the programs. However, once he returns home, nothing about his behavior changes. If anything it has only gotten worse. I'm afraid that he will pay lip service in this boot camp, come home and he'll be exactly the same. Only next time he comes into this court for a crime, he'll be tried as an adult. He can do the boot camp, however, the true test will be when he comes home. The judge agreed wholeheartedly with me. However, he he directed the following mostly towards T.J. He said that the people who run this boot camp will know when kids are just paying lip service just to get out and when the kids are truely investing themselves into the program to bring about a change within themselves. If he (T.J.) decides just to pay lip service, they will know and they will NOT let him out after the 30days are up. It's a 30 day minumum and a 4 month maximum program. So there you have it. T.J. will stay in the detention center until this Thursday at which time he will be transported to the boot camp a couple of hours away from here. He will spend at least 30 days there. He will be spending his 17th birthday there, which is on August 31st. This will no doubt be a memorable birthday for him.

Bored

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 07:14:58 GMT

I'm alone tonight and am bored out of my skull. Samantha and Joshua are spending the night at friend's houses. Of course we all know where T.J. is. Tom is still out on the road and won't be home till Saturday evening sometime. I watched a movie, Stargate SG-1's latest one Continuum. It was pretty good. I've been flipping through channels not really watching anything. One night I get alone and I'm bored. *sighs*

Boot Camp

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:14:56 GMT

The Probabtion Officer that is handling T.J.'s case called me yesterday. She wanted to know my opinion about what the reccomendation to the court should be concerning T.J. I told her I thought he should go into a Residential Treatment Facility. She said that normally the courts only send minors to Residential Treatment Facilities when they've committed felonies. T.J. has only committed 4 misdemeanors. Therefore it would be highly unlikely that the judge would agree with a Residential Treament Facility as punishment for T.J.'s crimes. She then suggested that T.J. be sent to a "wilderness camp" for troubled youths or a military style "boot camp." I agreed to the boot camp. Considering he's extremely defiant towards all authority figures, boot camp sounds like an excellent punishment and a wake up call. If the judge agrees, he will be sent there immediately following the hearing this Monday August 11th, and will stay there for 30 days. That means he will miss the first few weeks of the school year, which starts August 25th. He will go to school at the boot camp and will have any credits he recieves transfered over to his regular school once comes back home. However, the downside to all of this is that he may loose his place at CTC (Career Technological Center) where he was going to go for half the school day to study electrical technology (he has aspirations of being an electrician).

T.J. called me last night and when I told him all of this, he simply stated, "I don't think that will be good for me. I need my place at CTC." I told him if he loses his place at CTC, that is but another consequence he'll have to deal with. I told him that he's known for a long time that if he continued with this type of behavior that something like this was bound to happen. I told him that he's turning 17 at the end of this month. If he were to ever let something like this happen again, more than likely he would be tried as an adult and placed into an adult jail. I told him that everything he chooses can eventually effect his shorterm and longterm future. He simply said, fine whatever and hungup on he. Actually, from the sound of it, he just threw down the phone and stomped away, because I could still hear background noises. I waited a few minutes to see if he or someone else would pick the phone back up. No one did, so I hung up. He has this weekend to think about all of this before he goes before the judge on Monday. Will he have an epiphany between now and then. I very much doubt it. More than likely he'll continue to believe that we (his family) hate him and just want to get rid of him. He'll continue to blame his bad behavior on his mental disorders and even us (his family). He'll continue to not be accountable for his words and actions.

I'm doing better than I was. I've been talking a lot with the Home Based therapists that come to our home multiple days a week. They've been extremely supportive. They will continue to work with us as a family and as individuals until T.J. comes back from boot camp and even after that. The only time they would have to stop the Family Based Therapy is if T.J. was placed in a Residential Treatment Facility. It's probably going to be weird for T.J. when he does come back home, to have these 2 Family Based Therapist coming into the home multiple times a week, the rest of the family already very familiar with the therapists and he's only visited with them one time for 2 hours before he was placed in the juvenille detention center. Oh well, he'll have to get used to it. Family Based is a 32 week program. If he doesn't get a damn thing out of it, we (the rest of the family) will.

Juvenille Detention Center

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 21:16:35 GMT

Tom and I worked things out. He and I decided not to allow T.J. to ruin our relationship. Yes, Tom was so very wrong for getting physical with T.J. first. He was the adult and he did not act adultlike. However, his frustration towards T.J. has built up over many years. Everytime he leaves for work and goes out on the road he fears getting calls from me. He's so afraid of what I have to tell him. He's always wondering if T.J. flipped out on me, my other two kids, or someone else's kid. When Tom is home and sees firsthand what T.J. is capable of... the lieing, cheating, stealing, manipulation, blatant disrespect towards everyone, especially me, he goes into angry Papa-bear mode. I've been there myself... so frustrated with an incorrigible child (a child in a man's body) who can have a lethal effect if he wanted to. Tom simply broke. It wasn't a good choice. However, it is understandable. T.J. will be 18 August 31, 2009 at which time I will have his ass thrown out of my house legally, with an eviction notice. Tom and I agreed that when Tom feels that he's going over the top when it comes to T.J. he will back off and allow me to handle T.J. He asked me if I would step in between he and T.J. if I saw that it was going the wrong way, I said I would, not just to protect T.J., but to protect Tom's ass from going to jail at the hands of an incorrigible and spiteful teenager. Tom also agreed that he will come in with me to my individual counseling sessions, when I want him to, so we can get worked on as a couple. He also agreed that once Family Based Therapy started for the entire family with T.J. being the center of it all, he would participate. I told Tom, even if T.J. doesn't get a damn thing out of Family Based Therapy, the rest of us as individuals and as a family can.

That was all weeks ago, though. So very much has changed, for the worse.

T.J. is in a juvenille detention center at this moment. I had him charged with Reckless Endangerment, Making Terroristic Threats, and 2 counts of Simple Assault. I just got back from the preliminary hearing where the judge decided where T.J. was going to stay until the time of his trial. I refused to have him come back into my home because he is a threat to my other two children, myself, and to society in general. It seems that the Probation Officer and the Judge agreed with me. So, he will stay in the Juvenille Detention Center a couple of counties away from me until his trial hearing August 11th. What happens after that is anyone's guess. I don't want him back into my home. I want him placed into a Residential Treatment Facility or as a last resort the state can take him and I'll have to pay the state child support to keep him till he turns 18. Whatever happens he will NOT come back into my home. He is too unpredictable and violent. I should NOT have to live in fear of my son! If I did the things to him that he does to me and the rest of the family, I would be thrown in prison for child abuse! However, since he is a minor, the law protects him, all in the name of "keeping the family together." All the while the family is indeed being torn apart because of that one child's violence and unpredictablity. Will all our problems be solved once T.J. is gone? Hell NO! However, we will be in a better place to be able to work on other issues that plague this family.

As I followed T.J. into the Judge's chamber's this morning my heart nearly came out of my chest. They had him shackled... arms shackled to a leather belt at the waist... a chin led from the leather belt down to his feet where those were shackled as well. As he shuffled his feet it walk, my heart was literally aching. I kept telling myself, "He must learn this hard lesson... HE MUST!"

Bumper Stickers: What Do Yours Say About You?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 20:29:47 GMT

I recently bought some bumper stickers. Here they are.

I also used to have the following bumper sticker on our vehicle.

If you were driving behind my car what do you think these stickers would say about me?

Momaroo'ers Have Their Panties In A Wad

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:34:24 GMT

It seems that certain Momaroo'ers have their panties in a wad over my last blog entry. I find it amusing that some of you are taking my blog entry so personally.

Let's get something clear. I never stated that everyone who has a Momaroo account is as I described in my last blog entry. I have not read every blog here on Momaroo. Those that I have read are exactly as I described. Can you really throw stones at me for stating my opinion on what I've read?

If you ladies don't like what someone might say, good or bad, about your blog, then I suggest you don't have a blog at all. When you have a public blog you are making yourself a target for both positive and negative comments. I've been blogging a long time, since 2001 starting on Diaryland, so I know very well what I speak is truth.

It is my personal opinion that reading blogs full of the mundane tasks of the day makes for a very boring blog. However, it seems that some of you like the mundane. That's fine if you do. I don't. And don't worry, I won't be reading such blogs. I'll be trying to find blogs that get a little more personal... that have heart and soul. That is my personal preference. And with all due respect, if you don't like my blog and what I have to say, take your own advice and go the fuck away.

Here's a few songs that perfectly describe me perfectly.

"Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson
Well, I ain't never been the Barbie doll type
No, I can't swig that sweet Champagne, I'd rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or in a honky tonk or on a four-wheel drive tailgate
I've got posters on my wall of Skynyrd, Kid and Strait
Some people look down on me, but I don't give a rip
I'll stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip
'cause I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey ya'll' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Victoria's Secret, well their stuff's real nice
But I can buy the same damn thing on a Wal-Mart shelf half price
And still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV
I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me
Well, you might think I'm trashy, a little too hardcore
But in my neck of the woods I'm just the girl next door
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every ol' Bocephus song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Hell yeah, hell yeah
Hell yeah
I said hell yeah!

"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

"Outlaw Women" by Hank Williams Jr. (Bosephus)
She works in the bank and she works in the store
And she don't go for that old stuff anymore
likes to get high and listen to the band
she likes to make love to her kind of man
these outlaw women, first of their kind
Outlaw women they got here right on time
Outlaw women don't need any guns
Outlaw women just out for fun

In many ways she's a lot like me
She don't give a damn 'bout society
Might be little rich girl, or she might be poor
she Might be a married woman that needs a little more
shes a outlaw woman, first of her kind
these outlaw women ridin' high in seventy-nine
outlaw women don't need any guns
these outlaw women were just out for fun

Some call her a lady some call her other names
But you wont ever call her that around me and my gang

"Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's
What I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn ' bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good
When I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me
I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care
If ya think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change An' I'm never gonna care 'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

Pedal boys!

An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble
There's no communication
An' everyone can say
What they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care
'Bout a bad reputation anyway
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past
It's a new generation
An' I only feel good
When I got no pain
An' that's how I'm gonna stay
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not
Not me, not me

Is There Anyone Real Here On Momaroo?

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:51:11 GMT

I'm seeing a trend on this momaroo thing. Most of these mothers here on Momaroo talk about household chores, cooking, what are the best ways to save a buck or to go "green" and superficial stuff like that in their blogs. When they do get personal that tends to be superficial as well. Nice pretty pictures of kids, husbands, birthday parties, ect. It's like everyone here on Momaroo is living in a 1980's sitcom where hardly anything in their lives go wrong. And if anything does go wrong it's superficial and can be solved in a half an hour.

I understand that not everyone is going to be an open book like I am. I let everyone here on Momaroo and on regular Xanga see the good, the bad, and the seriously fugly in my life. I understand that not everyone can do that. However, Momaroo is seriously boring me. There's only so much that can be discussed about household chores and sharing recipes before one's eyes glaze over.

Is there anyone here on Momaroo that is willing to be REAL?

I'm Pretty Sure It's Over This Time

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 04:46:49 GMT

TJ has completed the Partial Day program. He learned nothing from it. He never took the program seriously. Even after I had to call the police on him once again for laying hands on me, he lied to his therapist at the partial program and told him everything was fine at home. It was only during a Family Session with the Partial Program therapist did they find out the truth... that TJ is still violent towards me and Joshua, his little brother, that when he brings home the papers with the goals on them from the partial program, he expects me to just sign them without him actually working on the goals. The therapist verbally chewed him out and stated the same things to him that everyone else has said to him many, many, many times before.

The Partial day program referred TJ and us (the family) to start Family Based Therapy, where 2 or more therapists are assigned to TJ and our Family in general. They come to the home multiple times a week, work with all of us seperately and together as a Family Unit. They are also available 24/7 incase of an emergency or if anyone of us are in a situation and we need to be talked down from a very emotional situation.

Everyone has told TJ that if this Family Based Therapy doesn't work, or should I say, if TJ doesn't allow it to work, because it can when a patient is willing, that the last thing we have to do with him is put him a residential treatment program. That means he will be taken out of our home and placed somewhere where he will not be a threat to his family or himself and get the help he needs. I don't believe that it's sunk in that I will send him away.

The last time I called the police on TJ, the officer who came to our home was extremely rude and nasty to me. He insulted my religious beliefs, insulted all of us as a family because of all of us having a diagnosis of Bipolar, and he even told me in front of TJ that I'm the one who needs to stop talking down to my son and degrading him. Evidently TJ filled his head with a bunch of Bullshit lies when they were upstairs in his room alone talking about what had transpired. I got in the officer's face and yelled at him "Do you like me being this close to you yelling at you?! Disrespecting you?!" He firmly told me to "Sit down Ma'am or else!" I said or should I say yelled "Or else what?! If you feel uncomfortable or threatened when I do this to you, what in the holy hell do you think I feel like when my son, who is bigger and stronger than me, does it then lays hands on me?! You have no clue as to what I've endured! You haven't been here the past 16 years! Is my point getting across to you?!" He said "Crystal clear. Now ma'am sit down." Instead I opened the door and told him to get the fuck out of my home if he wasn't there to serve and to protect. As he walked out the door I slammed the door so hard that if we hadn't changed the glass to that pexiglass stuff it would have shattered for sure.

So yesterday, I went to Gander Mountain and bought me some Pepper Spray. It's one of those 3 in one stuff, with tear gas, pepper spray, and invisible UV dye. I also bought aneck keychain. The pepper spray hangs from my neck at all times during my waking moments. I got it to protect myself from TJ if he were to ever attack me again.

Today I had to use it. TJ didn't attack me though. I had to break up Tom and TJ who were in an all out fist fight brawl in the kitchen.

It all started with Tom grilling TJ about where the timer was. (The kids have to use a timer when playing the Playstation, Gamecube, X-box, Computer, ect. TJ was being mouthy and wasn't cooperating with Tom. Tom was getting more and more angry by the second. TJ got up to show Tom exactly where the timer was. Tom grabbed a hold of him and started shoving him around. TJ yelled at him, "Do it again and I'll call the cops!" They let go of eachother. TJ went upstairs, Tom got back on the computer.

Few minutes later, I noticed that the dishes still wasn't done. It was TJ's day to do dishes last night and he didn't do them. So I called him downstairs so that he could get them done before they got piled up even more. When he got downstairs Tom threw the phone up against the wall at TJ and yelled at him, "If you think you're man enough to call them then do it!"

TJ came into the kitchen and proceded to tell him about the dishes. He started giving me attitude. I tried to calmly explain to him why he had to do the dishes. That's when he started yelling at me. That's when Tom came running into the kitchen and started shoving TJ and TJ shoved him back. Before I knew it they started going all over the kitchen throwing punches at eachother. I got out my pepper spray and yelled at them, "I will spray both of you if you don't stop!"

I got a clear shot of TJ so I sprayed him. I only got TJ on the side of the face. But it was enough to stop him. Tom didn't want to get any of the spray on him so he backed away from TJ. TJ started yelling and crying blaming everything on me because I'm supposedly "always siding with Tom." TJ went upstair to take a shower to get the pepper spray off of him.

Tom was visibly shaking. I tried to get him to calm down but he wouldn't. He went into the dining room and picked up a metal folding chain, raised it high over his head, and as he brought in slamming hard back onto the floor, he broke one of the light fixures and a flourescent bulb.I tried to calm him down, but he just told me to get out of the way. He went outside for a few minutes then came back in. When he came back in I could see he was still shaking. I tried to tell him to calm down. He just told me to move but I wouldn't. He said "I want to get my clothes upstairs and go to work. And if he is still here when I come back I will KILL him."

Now I've said such idle words like "I'm gonna kill you boy!" and not meaning it literally. That's what I thought Tom meant. But I was wrong. The look in Tom's eyes, it was dark, ugly, and I had never seen it before. He said it again. I refuse to let him go upstairs where TJ was. Tom has a license to carry concealed and he had a weapon on him at that moment. I told Tom, "TJ is an asshole. He's done a lot of stuuf to us that he should be put away for. But he doesn't deserve to have his life threatened!" I told Tom we were over. He was free. He was never going to step another foot into this house. He said he would to get his stuff. I said that his stuff will be waiting for him outside when he got home from work. Samantha got his clothes from upstairs and he left.

I immediately called my landlord to let them know the situation. I've know from past experience with two former abusive husbands who always had their name on the lease but mine wasn't, that it's best to contact the landlords in these cases. Then I called the police. Luckily I ended up with a very nice police officer. The one that came to our home the first time we ever had to call the police on TJ. So, this officer was already aware of certain aspects of the situation.

The officer gave me information on getting a PFA on Tom. He asked me if I wanted to bring charges against Tom. He made me aware that because TJ also threw punches Tom could also have TJ charged as well. Both would be charged with a misdemeanor assult and get a fine. I decided not to have him charged. I can't take the chance and have TJ charged and have another fine placed on my shoulders of having to pay for him.

Maybe I'm in shock or that survival mode I get into when push comes to shove, but I'm not so broken up. Normally I'd be locked in my fucking room drowning in my own tears. But I have a feeling that sooner or later I'm going to break down and it's not going to be pretty.

Everything is in Tom's name... the lease, the utilities, everything. The only thing that's in my name is the trash service. I get approximately $1,250.00 a fucking month... and $600.00 of that total isn't reliable (deadbeat dad sometimes paying childsupport every two weeks). I have no vehicle and no license. I'm not going to be able to afford this house. Hello, section 8 housing or an abused women's shelter in Harrisburg or Lebanon. I guess this redneck hillbilly just might have to go ghetto. Ugh!

Inside The Fire

Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:28:48 GMT

I bought Disturb's new album "Indestructible." Below is a song off that album, "Inside The Fire." It's about Suicide. Seeing as both my daughter & I have contemplated suicide at one time or another, this song and video is near & dear to my heart.

"Inside The Fire" by Disturbed

(Evil laughter)
Ohh Devon
Won't go to Heaven
She's just another lost soul, about to be mine again
Leave her
We will receive her
It is beyond your control
will you ever meet again.

Devon
No longer living
Who had been rendered unwhole.
As a little child,
she was taken
and then forsaken
you will remember it all
Let it blow your mind again.

Devon lies beyond this portal
take the word of one immortal

Give your soul to me
For eternity
release your life
to begin another time with her
End your grief with me
there's another way
release your life
take your place inside the fire with her

Sever, Now and forever
you're just another lost soul about to be mine again
see her? you'll never free her
you must surrender it all
if you'd like to meet again

Fire, For your desire
As she begins to turn cold, for the final time
you will shiver, till you deliver
you will remember it all
Let it blow your mind again

Devon lies beyond this portal
take the word of one immortal

Give your soul to me
For eternity
release your life
to begin another time with her
End your grief with me
there's another way
release your life
take your place inside the fire with her.

Give your soul to me
For eternity
release your life
to begin another time with her
End your grief with me
there's another way
release your life
take your place inside the fire with her.

Ohh. Devon
No longer living
Who had been rendered unwhole
As a little child
she was taken,
and then forsaken
you will remember it all
Let it blow your mind again.
(Evil Laughter)