It seems that certain Momaroo'ers have their panties in a wad over my last blog entry. I find it amusing that some of you are taking my blog entry so personally.

Let's get something clear. I never stated that everyone who has a Momaroo account is as I described in my last blog entry. I have not read every blog here on Momaroo. Those that I have read are exactly as I described. Can you really throw stones at me for stating my opinion on what I've read?

If you ladies don't like what someone might say, good or bad, about your blog, then I suggest you don't have a blog at all. When you have a public blog you are making yourself a target for both positive and negative comments. I've been blogging a long time, since 2001 starting on Diaryland, so I know very well what I speak is truth.

It is my personal opinion that reading blogs full of the mundane tasks of the day makes for a very boring blog. However, it seems that some of you like the mundane. That's fine if you do. I don't. And don't worry, I won't be reading such blogs. I'll be trying to find blogs that get a little more personal... that have heart and soul. That is my personal preference. And with all due respect, if you don't like my blog and what I have to say, take your own advice and go the fuck away.


Here's a few songs that perfectly describe me perfectly.

"Redneck Woman" by Gretchen Wilson
Well, I ain't never been the Barbie doll type
No, I can't swig that sweet Champagne, I'd rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or in a honky tonk or on a four-wheel drive tailgate
I've got posters on my wall of Skynyrd, Kid and Strait
Some people look down on me, but I don't give a rip
I'll stand barefooted in my own front yard with a baby on my hip
'cause I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey ya'll' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Victoria's Secret, well their stuff's real nice
But I can buy the same damn thing on a Wal-Mart shelf half price
And still look sexy, just as sexy as those models on TV
I don't need no designer tag to make my man want me
Well, you might think I'm trashy, a little too hardcore
But in my neck of the woods I'm just the girl next door
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words to every ol' Bocephus song
So here's to all my sisters out there keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah' from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Hell yeah, hell yeah
Hell yeah
I said hell yeah!


"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way 

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way


"Outlaw Women" by Hank Williams Jr. (Bosephus)
She works in the bank and she works in the store
And she don't go for that old stuff anymore
likes to get high and listen to the band
she likes to make love to her kind of man
these outlaw women, first of their kind
Outlaw women they got here right on time
Outlaw women don't need any guns
Outlaw women just out for fun

In many ways she's a lot like me
She don't give a damn 'bout society
Might be little rich girl, or she might be poor
she Might be a married woman that needs a little more
shes a outlaw woman, first of her kind
these outlaw women ridin' high in seventy-nine
outlaw women don't need any guns
these outlaw women were just out for fun

Some call her a lady some call her other names
But you wont ever call her that around me and my gang


"Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
You're living in the past it's a new generation
A girl can do what she wants to do and that's
What I'm gonna do
An' I don't give a damn ' bout my bad reputation

Oh no not me

An' I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
An' I'm only doin' good
When I'm havin' fun
An' I don't have to please no one
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me
I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
I've never been afraid of any deviation
An' I don't really care
If ya think I'm strange
I ain't gonna change An' I'm never gonna care 'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

Pedal boys!

An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my reputation
The world's in trouble
There's no communication
An' everyone can say
What they want to say
It never gets better anyway
So why should I care
'Bout a bad reputation anyway
Oh no, not me
Oh no, not me

I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation
You're living in the past
It's a new generation
An' I only feel good
When I got no pain
An' that's how I'm gonna stay
An' I don't give a damn
'Bout my bad reputation

Oh no, not me
Oh no, not
Not me, not me

TJ has completed the Partial Day program. He learned nothing from it. He never took the program seriously. Even after I had to call the police on him once again for laying hands on me, he lied to his therapist at the partial program and told him everything was fine at home. It was only during a Family Session with the Partial Program therapist did they find out the truth... that TJ is still violent towards me and Joshua, his little brother, that when he brings home the papers with the goals on them from the partial program, he expects me to just sign them without him actually working on the goals. The therapist verbally chewed him out and stated the same things to him that everyone else has said to him many, many, many times before.

The Partial day program referred TJ and us (the family) to start Family Based Therapy, where 2 or more therapists are assigned to TJ and our Family in general. They come to the home multiple times a week, work with all of us seperately and together as a Family Unit. They are also available 24/7 incase of an emergency or if anyone of us are in a situation and we need to be talked down from a very emotional situation.

Everyone has told TJ that if this Family Based Therapy doesn't work, or should I say, if TJ doesn't allow it to work, because it can when a patient is willing, that the last thing we have to do with him is put him a residential treatment program. That means he will be taken out of our home and placed somewhere where he will not be a threat to his family or himself and get the help he needs. I don't believe that it's sunk in that I will send him away.

The last time I called the police on TJ, the officer who came to our home was extremely rude and nasty to me. He insulted my religious beliefs, insulted all of us as a family because of all of us having a diagnosis of Bipolar, and he even told me in front of TJ that I'm the one who needs to stop talking down to my son and degrading him. Evidently TJ filled his head with a bunch of Bullshit lies when they were upstairs in his room alone talking about what had transpired. I got in the officer's face and yelled at him "Do you like me being this close to you yelling at you?! Disrespecting you?!" He firmly told me to "Sit down Ma'am or else!" I said or should I say yelled "Or else what?! If you feel uncomfortable or threatened when I do this to you, what in the holy hell do you think I feel like when my son, who is bigger and stronger than me, does it then lays hands on me?! You have no clue as to what I've endured! You haven't been here the past 16 years! Is my point getting across to you?!" He said "Crystal clear. Now ma'am sit down." Instead I opened the door and told him to get the fuck out of my home if he wasn't there to serve and to protect. As he walked out the door I slammed the door so hard that if we hadn't changed the glass to that pexiglass stuff it would have shattered for sure.

So yesterday, I went to Gander Mountain and bought me some Pepper Spray. It's one of those 3 in one stuff, with tear gas, pepper spray, and invisible UV dye. I also bought aneck keychain. The pepper spray hangs from my neck at all times during my waking moments. I got it to protect myself from TJ if he were to ever attack me again.

Today I had to use it. TJ didn't attack me though. I had to break up Tom and TJ who were in an all out fist fight brawl in the kitchen.

It all started with Tom grilling TJ about where the timer was. (The kids have to use a timer when playing the Playstation, Gamecube, X-box, Computer, ect. TJ was being mouthy and wasn't cooperating with Tom. Tom was getting more and more angry by the second. TJ got up to show Tom exactly where the timer was. Tom grabbed a hold of him and started shoving him around. TJ yelled at him, "Do it again and I'll call the cops!" They let go of eachother. TJ went upstairs, Tom got back on the computer.

Few minutes later, I noticed that the dishes still wasn't done. It was TJ's day to do dishes last night and he didn't do them. So I called him downstairs so that he could get them done before they got piled up even more. When he got downstairs Tom threw the phone up against the wall at TJ and yelled at him, "If you think you're man enough to call them then do it!"

TJ came into the kitchen and proceded to tell him about the dishes. He started giving me attitude. I tried to calmly explain to him why he had to do the dishes. That's when he started yelling at me. That's when Tom came running into the kitchen and started shoving TJ and TJ shoved him back. Before I knew it they started going all over the kitchen throwing punches at eachother. I got out my pepper spray and yelled at them, "I will spray both of you if you don't stop!"

I got a clear shot of TJ so I sprayed him. I only got TJ on the side of the face. But it was enough to stop him. Tom didn't want to get any of the spray on him so he backed away from TJ. TJ started yelling and crying blaming everything on me because I'm supposedly "always siding with Tom." TJ went upstair to take a shower to get the pepper spray off of him.

Tom was visibly shaking. I tried to get him to calm down but he wouldn't. He went into the dining room and picked up a metal folding chain, raised it high over his head, and as he brought in slamming hard back onto the floor, he broke one of the light fixures and a flourescent bulb.I tried to calm him down, but he just told me to get out of the way. He went outside for a few minutes then came back in. When he came back in I could see he was still shaking. I tried to tell him to calm down. He just told me to move but I wouldn't. He said "I want to get my clothes upstairs and go to work. And if he is still here when I come back I will KILL him."

Now I've said such idle words like "I'm gonna kill you boy!" and not meaning it literally. That's what I thought Tom meant. But I was wrong. The look in Tom's eyes, it was dark, ugly, and I had never seen it before. He said it again. I refuse to let him go upstairs where TJ was. Tom has a license to carry concealed and he had a weapon on him at that moment. I told Tom, "TJ is an asshole. He's done a lot of stuuf to us that he should be put away for. But he doesn't deserve to have his life threatened!" I told Tom we were over. He was free. He was never going to step another foot into this house. He said he would to get his stuff. I said that his stuff will be waiting for him outside when he got home from work. Samantha got his clothes from upstairs and he left.

I immediately called my landlord to let them know the situation. I've know from past experience with two former abusive husbands who always had their name on the lease but mine wasn't, that it's best to contact the landlords in these cases. Then I called the police. Luckily I ended up with a very nice police officer. The one that came to our home the first time we ever had to call the police on TJ. So, this officer was already aware of certain aspects of the situation.

The officer gave me information on getting a PFA on Tom. He asked me if I wanted to bring charges against Tom. He made me aware that because TJ also threw punches Tom could also have TJ charged as well. Both would be charged with a misdemeanor assult and get a fine. I decided not to have him charged. I can't take the chance and have TJ charged and have another fine placed on my shoulders of having to pay for him.

Maybe I'm in shock or that survival mode I get into when push comes to shove, but I'm not so broken up. Normally I'd be locked in my fucking room drowning in my own tears. But I have a feeling that sooner or later I'm going to break down and it's not going to be pretty.

Everything is in Tom's name... the lease, the utilities, everything. The only thing that's in my name is the trash service. I get approximately $1,250.00 a fucking month... and $600.00 of that total isn't reliable (deadbeat dad sometimes paying childsupport every two weeks). I have no vehicle and no license. I'm not going to be able to afford this house. Hello, section 8 housing or an abused women's shelter in Harrisburg or Lebanon. I guess this redneck hillbilly just might have to go ghetto. Ugh!